Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”