Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You Might Also Like
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.