When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
We’ve all been there…
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.