Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I feel it
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.