Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
back to work
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?