Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
ok this is my dumbest yet
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.