Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I am also baked goods
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.