An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
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My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Travel bloggers during quarantine
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.