came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My life in a nutshell
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Just how popey was the pope today?