They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
You Might Also Like
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.