Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends