Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Huge, if true.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?