[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
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My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.