[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true