i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
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Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
had to share :’)
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
This is my favorite one of these!
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.