Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion