Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
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Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Close call…
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
emergency phone