wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
For when Tinder doesn’t work
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing