Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants