My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
You Might Also Like
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
back to work
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”