My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.