Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
LMAO
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society