One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?