Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?