So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
This is my bus stop.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs