Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
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Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.