Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Yes
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”