bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
You Might Also Like
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
#Caturday
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.