me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!