“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”