I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
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Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.