You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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What number SPF blocks people?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.