I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.