Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!