Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
.
.
.
.
.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*