My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
You Might Also Like
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Gods work.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.