How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
waiting for halloween be like:
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.