People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Oh hi lol
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
January has been Januweary
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”