I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
You Might Also Like
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.