The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.