I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…