Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
This is a true ally.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids