I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.