It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”