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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”