Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
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Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?