the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot