My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”