[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
thinking about a very short hotdog
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I need to get some bricks…
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
wow he looks just like him
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.