Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.